FUKITOL

I have killed the bastard...please denounce me!

2010-02-19T15:02:00.002Z

Radio is finished. Hip Hip hurrah!!

115 posts/118 days after this adventure started I am happy and relieved that cancer is gone and that I am getting back to my normal life. Rest, gym and work (in this priority) are in the planning for the next weeks.

If anyone around you gets an unfortunate meeting with a cancer and needs advice from someone that went through the same, don't hesitate to appeal to my experience or share with them my blog. I shall keep it as a future reference, and above all, a piece of my personal history. My legacy for the future . Wow!!!

I will think what to do next in the blog world. I have some ideas and will keep you informed.

And what about my FUKITOL motto?

"FUCK CANCER, FUCK CHEMO (OOPS SORRY CHEMO, I KNOW WE WILL BECOME BEST FRIENDS), FUCK HOSPITAL FOOD (PRE-JUDGEMENT), FUCK THE VOMITS, DON'T FUCK THE NHS (AFTER ALL I NEED THEM AND THEY SEEM GREAT PEOPLE) FUKITOL!"

- Fuck indeed cancer. Dangerous bastard. Attacks silently and without invitation.
- Don't fuck chemo. It is there to save you (and fuck your hair!!). We became friends with ups and downs. But I truly hope I keep this friend at large.
- Yep, fuck the vomits...even when you call for it. But no complains, only vomited twice and it was not even chemo's fault.
- No, don't fuck this NHS, my ward at least. I needed them and they were up to the task. Long live the staff at the Thomas Macaulay Ward, Chelsea & Westminster Hospital. I can't thank them enough.

And finally, how could I finish without thanking you all so much for your support, comments, reading my little silly notes. I will miss you, not the circumstance, as you may understand.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. It was a fucked but successful experience!

THE END.

(and I leave you with Florence)

Any advice?

2010-02-18T13:55:00.001Z

Basically what do I take out of this adventure? I don't dare to think what do you take out of it. Life is too short and moves to quickly, it would be too pretentious for me to believe that my story could touch you in any kind of way.

As you know this blog was created, above all, to allow me to rest and reach a wider audience this way avoiding to repeat on and on what was happening. But, now, when I look back, I believe that all the posts can reach anyone with similar cancer. It might help someone face it with a smile and believe that it is possible to come out ot the problem, positive and as a winner.

It is important to mention that my situation was pretty positive from the start. Would I have been told that I had a few months/years to live, the story would have been significantly different and my advice below would need to be different in some aspects.

So, here we go:

- Cry out when you get the news, but rise above next day and face the situation. There is no point in making a drama (well, you need to measure what doctors tell you about your chances), you need your strength to face the challenge.
- Tell everyone if you feel like. Or don't tell if you don't, but remember you will need some kind of support, so some people need to know.
- All things are relative, keep your humour. If anyone around you comes up with a crying scene recall them that you are the one with the cancer and needing support. And if A tells you that B has a depression, recommend a cancer to B. The depression wil go away in no time.
- The hair is falling? Shave it straight away. It will grow back. If the stock exchanges were going up so quickly after financial crises we would be happier in the bank.
- Once at the hospital smile and keep a normal routine. Smiling is good and cheers up the ones around you, patients and staff. The routine is important. You are on treatment, not on the death row. Walk, buy the newspaper, get a computer and read your e-mails, sms your friends, watch DVD's (maybe avoid dramas at 7 a.m.), put your face cream...
- No comments on hospital food....be strong and face the battle.
- Ask for help whenever and as soon as needed. Feeling nausea? Get antisickness. Feeling little pain in stomach? Get paracetamol...
- Take a treatment at a time, don't rationalize it too much before happening.
- Remember, everything may be over in no time and once done you will forget it quickly. The emotional process can heal quickly (depending on your strength).
- Watch out. When you go back to normality the body is still not up to spead. Hear your body.

And above all be a bit unconscious. Why the need to know everything in detail? As my friend E. would say, don't read the medicine description and side effects or you will feel it immediately. Some friends kept me asking questions about my cancer (they are your friends so they do care) and in some cases I just thought what do I care. The important for me was to know: What do I have? What are the chances of successful treatment? Is the treatment going well? Am I cured and can it come back? Apart from this I am not in this adventure to become a PHD in the matter.

Oh! And on the subject of cancer as a turning point in your life or a moment where you find your true friends. People often consider cancer as one of these defining moments where you re-visit your life and you change a lot of things: work, lovers, friends.

- In my specific case, I don't think the shock was big enough to make me change anything. So, yes I am going back to work (same work as before) and I go on living in London. I am not becoming a hippie. Hippiness doesn't pay credit card bills :-). Money doesn't make happiness...but can help. So, yes I still care about my bonus. I just hope I am able to convince myself to leave the office a bit earlier than usual. Having said this, again, if I had been told the situation was darker and would have it got darker, than I think that you then may start thinking about changing your life.

- On friends and family. Yes you may get closer to your family. Though sometimes you don't have much to tell them on those daily calls. Friends....you confirm the true ones and you may find new ones. I am priviliged that I confirmed the very good friends I have, I have found new ones and I had one disappointment. One only, not bad. But true friendship allows for understanding and forgiveness, so I shall still be a friend.

Miguel

What about my hair?

2010-02-17T10:00:00.000Z

Tricky subject. Always more for women than for men, so they say. I don't really agree. I look OK bald, but I want my hair back. Doctors, or anyone else that thinks know something on the subject, say that after chemo hair might come back in different shapes and colours. Bit of a dangerous game. Imagine it comes back blonde when you were dark haired or afro when you had a caucasian look! I think that what happens is that hair comes back thinner and eventually slightly curlier or lighter in colour. Mine is coming back thinner and still darkish. But the little bastard has joined forces with the chemo to let me increasingly bald. A day doesn't go by without me looking to the mirror trying to assess the overall rythm of growth. Clearly on top of my head, where there wasn't much hair already before, I see even less hair now. Can I complain to the NHS that I have entered hospital with a nice hair and I got out with much less and it is not growing back? Worst, white hair is supposed to go away. But, my beard is growing whiter...and darker in the moustache!!!

I do miss gym

2010-02-16T22:51:00.003Z

I told already several times: how amazing our body is. The most complex machine. Before having the cancer I was going to the gym quite frequently and have built up a bit of muscle (What? You didn't notice? :-). I do miss gym and my belly more than anything else. With cancer/treatment/hospital you naturally loose weight and muscle. But once back to your food and normal habits the body recovers very quickly. Better, mine did. To the point that I believe that even the muscle mass is coming back (did someone tell me they have memory?!). I just need some exercise now and get this belly fit again. I am not used to tight trousers in the waist.

Their "Fukitol"...my "Fukitol"

2010-02-16T22:24:00.006Z

When my friend C. gave me the idea of calling my blog fukitol (in a blunt against cancer) I knew that was inspired in the logo on the pill enclosed here below. But I thought this "Fukitol" pill was a joke, like a spam message. However, "Fukitol" indeed stands for a website on these pills. Well, I haven't really made up my mind whether the blog is all a joke or if there are really pills. You tell me. Anyway, when you create a blog you can see who reads you. Or even better you can see how many people read you everyday and from what country. And you can see what they are looking for. That is, either people know my blog and they type the url or they don't and they google. In certain cases people (from Saudi Arabia, Colombia, Canada...????) have googled FUKITOL. Not my blog, but the pills. I hope they were not to disappointed with what they have found.

Slightly pinkier

2010-02-15T17:22:00.005Z

Getting slightly pinkier as radio approaches the end, especially in the biopsy scar. The doctor says the radio area looks OK and I only need to see her again in a month. Rest and avoiding sun is recommended now.
Otherwise, getting ready to see the stars at the Brit Awards tomorrow in Earls Court. It is just around the corner. See them...but on TV. The Brits are amazingly funny compared to any MTV, Grammy's, or any American award show, where everyone behaves so well (forget Kannye West). At the Brits musicians seat at tabkes and each time they show a winner you see the table full of drinks. Ultimately one or two winners are drunk and the speech is crazy. This is Cool Britania.

14th of February

2010-02-14T18:00:00.004Z

No, no, no....I won't make any comments on Valentine's Day. Commercial dates give me more nausea than food hospital!! Nothing against the Saint though. It was on the 14th of February of 2006 that I arrived in London. 4 years already. It is not exactly a love story. We are not into a firm relationship yet. We are just lovers. But the city has treated me well so far...not to mention curing my cancer. Quite an achievement.

Moving fast into capital sin: gluttony

2010-02-13T09:50:00.009Z

From hospital food to home food to restaurant food to successive and close meals goes in just a quick timeframe. At least with me. I found myself pampering with an afternon tea, at 18:00 at Claridge's (*), forgetting that dinner was set for 19:15. When I saw the price of the Claridge's Royal Tea I even thought of running away, but there was no escape. Counting the number of people around me, there is clearly no economic crisis in London. So, I stayed and stuffed myself in small delicious sandwiches (6 to be precise, and they wanted to give me more), tea and sweets: scones and a "lady bag" and a "pink heart" (a macarron with a rose petal on top!). The "lady bag" was a true little bag made of chocolate. I must confess that the heart and the bag gave me a certain St Valentine's nausea. I almost asked if they did not have anything more suitable for single guys, but they would probably not understand. Unfortunately, the bag remained untouched, by then I thought it was too much as in a few minutes I would be eating meat or fish. Plus you never know what comes in a "lady bag". You might end up with an indigestion for ingestion of several types of woman makeup, several sets of keys, sunglasses and the like.

(*) In order to complete my mood highly affected by the price of the tea, they claim that the tea tradition was introduced by a certain Duchess of Bedford. Not, it wasn't...it was introduced by that Catarina de Braganca, Portuguese princess (and ugly) that married to Charles I. Apart from gold and other common stuff, the Portuguese gave to England the city of Mumbai and boats filled with spices and tea. She also introduced in England the orange jelly, tobacco (the sinner), and the usage of cutlery. I shall clarify the Claridge's tea manager.

"Catherine introduced the custom of drinking tea in England, a custom that was already very popular among the Portuguese nobility at the time. The tea had been imported to Portugal from the Portuguese possessions in Asia as well as through the trade Portuguese merchants maintained with China and Japan."

Talking about fire

2010-02-10T18:21:00.004Z

I think I just found what to do next on the blog world. I aways thought of going Portuguese with a blog against political correctness (which includes western society going nuts, comments on current politics, etc...). Problem, my computer is not ready for the Portuguese accents. But I have more than good material to go English and on UK.

See an example: an hindu has just won a legal battle in the UK to be buried as per its religion tradition...cremated on a pyre of fire!! What's next? Poligamy? Men/women going around naked in traditional/tribal customs? The western's society increasingly blind respect for cultural traditions is going nuts. UK is not India, France is not Algeria, Portugal is not Africa....Mmmmm this promises to be an interesting future blog.

Want more? Public sector workers in Greece are striking. Protesting against the Government cuts (trying to save the country from bankruptcy). Why don't we simply let Greece go bankrupt and teach these lunatic workers a lesson? They seem to prefer bankruptcy to a viable country. Clearly having a work guaranteed for life is not enough for them.

In the line of fire

2010-02-10T17:45:00.002Z

Just fired another cleaning lady!! Anyone wants the job? I am an easy employer. No, really. I just don't tolerate paying 4 hours and getting 3 or even 2.5 hours! With them pretending they were here for 4 hours. Even better, since everyone expects that after a cancer you re-think your life, maybe I start a new career as all-included man: babysitter, cleaner, cook...you name it. Think well. Of course my services come at a price. And I give no discounts.

Reflex

2010-02-10T15:42:00.002Z

Among the possible horrors of cancer treatment, if there is good support available, there can be good things as well. Like getting reflexology sessions. So good!! And free of charge. I almost fall asleep, except today, since the lady told me she leaves in a boat and that gave space to a discussion throughout the session. The feeling is so good (reflex I mean, I am not referring to living in a boat!) that when finished I found myself a bit dizzy. I thought that reflex really works, by touching your main energy points, or whatever the speech they give you about sources of this and that. Nevertheless, I think the dizziness is caused by the fact that you lay your head and feet in two big cushions. The position probably mixes up your blood circulation and drives you dizzy. Before, that, in the morning, I finally managed to arrange some goodies to thank the staff in the ward. Two big baskets of fruit (they get too much chocolate and that is noticeable in their figure), one for each ward. And a "thank you" card. Did you ever try to get a decent "thank you" card? Quite a challenge if you are looking for something wihout animals, balloons and similar designs. Also gave a check to the charity of the ward which contributes to a fund for the staff to use in their social life. They truly deserve it. And then, like if I really miss hospital, I managed to have to go back twice, as I forgot to ask for a receipt and to ask if I could stop the medicine. I can not until after the radio.

This blog has a few more weeks to go

2010-02-09T22:09:00.002Z

If you think that since the cancer is gone this blog is finished, don't rush. I will only close it after radio ends. Until there I will keep you updated on my little adventures in the health world. And I can not close this blog before ellaborating on lessons learned. So keep watching this space.

I need to teach them how to count

2010-02-08T17:00:00.005Z

The radiologists keep surprising me. What saves me from deception is that I am in between doctors and nurses and try to reconcile the things each side says. When I saw the doctor she told me about 3/4 weeks of radio. Then I started and the nurse said it would be 10 days. Then I saw the doctor and she said it would be 18 days. Next , the nurse says it is going to be 15 days. And in the middle of all this I was like "are you sure nurse?". Bottomline, it will be 18 days. 9 more sessions to go. Coooolllllll!! And I only need to see the oncologists in 3 months time. In between I need to rest and behave.

Getting on with life

2010-02-07T23:11:00.000Z

With the exception of not working fully and not gyming yet, life is getting back to normal pretty quickly. Going to cinema, shopping, eating out, meeting friends....everything seems normal again. Which brings up a strange feeling each time I pass in front of the hospital though. The chemo (with full time at hospital) finished just before Christmas. It seems quite far away already. Radio is still there, but it is a very quick procedure. I guess this is our brain's way of processing less pleasant moments in the library of memories. It happened, its finished, move on. Thank God (and me) that it is like that.

Fait divers: Don't miss the movie "Invictus". Morgan Freeman's performance of Mandela is superb, plus you get to know more about an important piece of XX century's history. Precious, the movie, is quite interesting as well. Mo'Nique is very good and you will see Mariah Carey as never seen (indeed, the woman lying under all the diamonds and expensive dresses that make the star) Bit sad story, but I managed to laugh in the least probable situations. It was bizzare as probably the 10 people in the cinema were in shock and I was laughing. I was in the mood. Also watch "Single Man". Beautiful movie, photography, music, excellent performances by Julianne Moore and Colin Firth. Its the Tom Ford (ex-Gucci man) touch everywhere.

A "Samantha Jones" moment

2010-02-07T17:52:00.004Z

After several years over the end of "Sex and the City", I have found the series. Thanks to the cancer...too much time in hospital leaves you with a good stock of books and DVD's. Interestingly, I didn't manage to consume much culture while at hospital. Today I wonder how did I spend the time. I guess checking the blood pressure. But, going back to the HBO success. I am watching series 6 and couldn't stop laughing with the episode where Samantha finds out she has cancer. Not that it is funny, far from that, but more her reaction, as it recalled me so much mine. Kind of "I have cancer"...."Ok, no tears! This is what you need to know...blablabla. Any questions? No, then, next subject." And she also calls the cancer, "the fucker'. Lovely.

And now this is for C. Do you remember when we manage to get to the swimming pool of the Soho House in NY? Bit more discrete than "Samantha Jones" in her Annabelle Goldstein moment. Lol

Countdown

2010-02-06T10:20:00.003Z

8 sessions of radio and counting. 7 more to go. Well, depends who is right. The nurse talks of 15 sessions in total, I say 18 (that's what the doctor told me last Monday). Either way it is almost there. The room is freezing (almost) and their hands as well. Radio might cure me, but might get me a cold in no time. Still no side effect (except for the bit soar biopsy scar) and trusting a colleague patient it might never come. She is the only one talkative. If chemo was much worse to take, you would expect patients to be more reserved, but it was during chemo that I had more chatty patients around. In radio it is all to quick, you come and go. This specific lady is clearly very chatty. You say hi and she is already into her treatment and life. Bye then. And I was entitled to a presentation of the support services by a volunteer, herself a patient. Breast cancer 9 years ago, cleared ever since. She seemed to have digested a tape since her speech was so perfect and automatic. She was on her 60's, but very elegant. Interesting character. At least she preached her religion and moved on.

Quiet days

2010-02-04T18:11:00.002Z

7th session of radiotherapy and still no side effects. I hope it stays like this. Only the scar of the biopsy seems to start accusing the radio, otherwise no tiredness or other effects. Went to the office twice to keep updated with the business. Same old new. Good to be back. My stomach gave signs that it is not used to the City lunchtime anymore, will need to be re-educated.

Organization, organization...no organization

2010-02-02T10:53:00.006Z

Do you remember my adventure with the PET and the CD-ROM with the results that the radiologist required? If not, I recall you. I had to go three times, three days in a row to the St Thomas Hospital to pick up the CD-ROM's. Either they gave me the wrong one or the radiologist forgot to request the right one.

Anyway...at the end I got the right 2 CD-ROMs and gave it to the radiologists. Today, while waiting for the radio, the doctor came to see me and starts talking science fiction with figures and this and that (I had to ask three times how many days of radio I was going to get and couldn't figure out what her answer was)...and I realized she did not see the results of the last PET. I clarified the cancer is gone and by the way, where is the CD-ROM I gave them with the results stating that? Oh! They only got one CD-ROM (original results)....wait a second, I gave them 2!!!

In any case, the good results don't change their radio plan. I will definitely get 18 sessions of radio (18 business days, or shall I call them hospital days?). But, with less intensity in the last days. This plan ensures that any possible remaining cancer cell is killed.

The dialogue with the doctor made me think about Prof. B. yesterday's ironic remarks: "Did you like the radio doctor? Did she seem knowledgeable?" I said yes, and he challenged " What a surprise! Are you sure? Did you ask difficult questions?" He is such a funny guy.

The radio staff are nice, but there is not much socialization with patients. Not as during chemo. You get there, wait 5 minutes, they call you, you go to the machine, they position you, 1 minute of treatment, finish and off you go. But it is understandable. During chemo (in my case) you stay in hospital or you spend more hours in hospital. The staf end up socializing more with you.

1,000 visit

2010-02-01T16:46:00.001Z

Nothing like good or bad news to increase the audience. My blog reached 1,000 visits. Many thanks to you all for your caring interest.

Removing the Hickman line...ouch!

2010-02-01T16:18:00.005Z

After the good news below, the next thing that comes to your mind is please remove me the Hickman line. This is probably the last link you have to the chemo and the soon you get it out the more relieved you are.

Having gone through intrathecals, bone marrow exams and the set up of the line itself I could only conceive that removing the line would be a piece of cake. Well...by the time the doctor finished explaining what was going to happen I was giving her a shy smile..hiding my apprehension. She smiled as well as we understood that it was going to be "fun".

While the set up of the line is made with an X-ray team, local anesthetics and so on, the removal is literally a doctor trying to pull it out!!! Now, you should note that due to the time you live with the line, the tube becomes attached to your tissue and skin, which indeed allows the line to be well sealed in your chest.

The process starts with the doctor giving you local anesthetics. Then cutting the skin around the line. Then giving more anesthetics in order to push the tissue back with a scissor before pulling the line out. And the line...it was bigger than I expected. It is good not to know it in advanced, otherwise I could not live peacefully with it. I am not the type of complaining with little procedures/pain, but this one was a bit over the top...and I didn't complain. The doctor is literally centimeters away of your face, opening your chest. There is blood everywhere (that she cleans immediately). Once finished you see a cut (not big, but not very smallish either). I made the point nicely that my chest had been ruined, but she says it will be a little and beautiful scar. The worst was to come. Bit painful once the anesthetics effect is gone and any movement causes pain. They gave me no painkillers, but I had a glass of red wine at lunch...just to alleviate the pain. Lol

This battle is won

2010-02-01T15:46:00.003Z

I was going to write THE battle is won, but life is full of surprises and it is better to say THIS battle is won.

It is quite a relief to know that the PET confirms that the cancer is gone: "Comparison is made of the previous study of 29/10/09. (...) The findings indicate a complete metabolic response to treatment. The previously seen mass in the left axillla is no longer visualised on the current study". Ufffff!!!!!! The little fucker is gone.

The doctors were as happy as I. I guess that is their recompensation...to save lives. There are no bonus for them. Prof. B. started the consultation by playing with my financial job trying to trade the results summary for my potential bonus. I had to recall him again that I am not a banker...and certainly not one from Goldman Sachs. Doctors and nurses came around for the news and we all exchanged happy and relieved smiles.

But, what's next?

Radio goes on. It is considered as a bonus treatment. Since, the PET was made before radio started, that means that radio will further reassure that the cancer is not there.

I need to recover. Chemo destroys a lot and radio will make me tired. The immune system needs to come back fully. Though blood samples show things are ok, radio will bring the body down again.

Checks. I will need to go back for regular checks and they will teach me how to look for symptoms and this way avoid to freak out at any little suspicion.

Re-occurence. Unlike, but possible, even in several years time. As I had a rare mix of lymphoma types, they have no experience on re-occurence for my case. But as the doctor said: "If it comes back we know what to do."

So, this blog is not over yet.

They were going away when I recalled: "Hey what about the hickman line? Can't you take it out now?" You will read more about the hickman line in the next post.

I am still writing about the good news. Give me an hour.

2010-02-01T15:37:00.001Z

Calling the "devil"by its right name

2010-01-30T15:27:00.002Z

When I was told I had a lymphoma, I was also told that there are different types: Hodgkin's and Non-Hodgkin's and these have sub-types. It appears I had a mix of everything. And for me that was enough. I didn't care much about knowing exactly which sub-types. Some patients like to get into all the details. For me it was enougth to know that it was curable, the cure covers different types of lymphomas and that I was in phase 1. Today, thanks to a letter exchanged between doctors I can say, with scientifical knowledge, that my diagnosis is: Mixed Non-Hodgkin's (partly diffuse large B cell and partly Burkett's) and Hodgkin's disease in the left axilla. Stage 1A (meaning not spread). There you go.

There is another me out there

2010-01-29T22:03:00.005Z

The other day I read a comment on Sarah Jessica Parker, where she appears to have said that she didn't spend time googling her name. Well, I thought, I never googled mine, so I did. The outcome is scary. Someone took my name....hopefully not my self.

Check it out (and in case you don't know, my full name is indeed the same):

http://moodle.fct.unl.pt/user/view.php?id=5094&course=1

Comparing Divas...a musical moment

2010-01-29T21:47:00.003Z

For those of you that know FADO and for those that don't know, it is interesting to compare the same song in the voices of the biggest ever "fadista" Amalia Rodrigues and the new big success Mariza. I do like Mariza very much, but Amalia is THE voice. Check out two songs: "Maria Lisboa" and "Primavera" (Spring):

MARIA LISBOA

PRIMAVERA

3 days on radio and still counting

2010-01-29T18:47:00.004Z

Today was the third day on radio. Still no side effects, but everyone says they will come, mainly tiredness. So, I am waiting. I tried to establish from the radiologist if the radiation they are giving me is like a fine dot entering the body (like if it was a laser) or if it is something bigger covering a small but wider zone. The reason for asking was to understand how I need to protect myself when taking sun. That is my may concern, really. The guy didn't get it and started explaining that, yes they know what they do and that indenpendently of how small or big the radiation is, it is pointing to the cancer spot and it is killing it. I quit and hope to get a better view from the doctor next Monday.

Fait fivers: Did you watch "Up in the air"? Really good movie, funny, good interpretations, different subject. All the part on miles is hilarious, especially because I am all into miles, though I am far from the platinum mark. After I went to the supermarket and couldn't stop laughing at myself when giving the supermarket card for the points and paying with Amex for the membership rewards. That's the miles economy working as I call it.

What an eventful day...and radio rocks

2010-01-27T17:24:00.008Z

Where to start? Oh! yes...another trip to St Thomas Hospital. Third time lucky I got the right CD-ROM with the PET results. Another freezing crossing of the river (just in case you ask yourselves, I didn't swim, just walked...over the bridge), more tourists taking that special picture in front of the Big Ben (couldn't they create special lanes for tourists?).

Since it was the third time I was in the area I found it was convenient to turn tourist as well and visit the Westminster Abbey. 15 pounds (!!??) to get in (no wonder the donations box is empty). I did the moaning scene and asked the guy if the price included a private mess or if I was entitled to take a rock with me as souvenir. He got the joke, as he was foreigner as well and agreed that ...yes living in London is expensive...but don't mention it to my HR continental staff. For those London is affordable. Anyway, the Abbey should better be called Noble Cemetery, seen the number of noble tombs. Pretty busy really, some are almost on top of each other. A good illustration of London real estate demand! Even in post life. Some parts are beautiful though. And full of history, don't forget Diana's funeral was here. The price must be justified by the number of people working there. Do they really need them? And the finish touch....You can only leave through the...Yes...the shop. There is no other way. Certain things never change in this city. I was not excited in buying old fashion tea cups or illustrations with the Abbey.

Not satisfied enough with my religious incursion I walked to the Westminster Cathedral. This one is catholic while the other is protestant and more famous (the second). The Cathedral is a strange architectural mixture. Not a good example of religious interior design. Pretty ugly to be honest, but at least free. The catholics could learn something with their neighbours. The donations boxes have more use here...no wonder, they need 3,000 pounds per day to keep the church open. Can't they offshore? :-)

And then... reflexology session. Great preparation for the radio. So they say. Can't judge yet which difference it makes. But, it was definitely very good.

Finally, radio. A nurse explains me everyhting again: "you can not move, if we need to move you you don't help, you need to wait till we tell you it is finished" and the best of all..."when the machine starts moving it will get close to you but don't worry as it won't touch you!" Scary, because once under the machine I couldn't stop thinking that for some reason the machine would not stop at all and would crash my face. They have spent like 15 minutes measuring, checking ny position, doing more marks in my arm and chest. In between I felt like a victim of an alien. The big monster watching me from all angles, moving to see where to strike, getting closer and moving away again. And these red and green (at least the colours of Portugal) laser lights going around in the room. Off they go the nurses and leave me alone with the predator and rock music in the background. But I can't dance. The monster makes some noises. I am so stiff thoughout the process that my hands start hurting. It took like 2 minutes and it didn't feel like an eternity. The nurse is back and it is finished. That was quick and easy. Though sweet poison. You don't feel now, but you know something is being cooked inside. You will pay in the next days.

Note: My father passed away a year ago. Life is too short. Time flies. Tic tac tic tac tic tac.

Back and forth

2010-01-26T22:29:00.002Z

Chemo at Chelsea & Westminster Hospital (C&W). Radio at Charing Cross Imperial College Hospital (CC). PET scan at St Thomas Hospital (ST). I am not complaining. They are not far from each other and I live central. But some stuff...like communication, could work better. Example: The radiologist (CC) wants copies of the PET scan from ST, which are sent to the oncologist (C&W). The oncologist can send them, but it is quicker if I get a copy directly from ST. Yesterday I did the PET scan and they gave me a CD-ROM with the results for the radiologist. Some time after they called me apologizing as the results are from the PET of October, so I should go there again today to pick up the results of the scan of yesterday. Which I did. Picked up good one, left the old one. Half an hour later the radiologist left me a message saying she also needs the results of October!!, which I returned to ST. So, I need to go back tomorrow. I like the Houses of Parliament and the Big Ben, but three days in a row crossing that bridge is a bit too much.

Another PET

2010-01-25T14:45:00.004Z

No, I did not buy a little pig or even a chihuahua. PET = positron emission tomography. Fancy name for a full body scanner. Boring. I described already the first one back in October, but I didn't recall they injected me some radioactive fluid. So radioactive that I am not supposed to show up with pregant women or children as company, not that the thought had crossed my mind. I did recall they make you rest for an hour and then the scan itself takes half an hour. Since they leave you alone in the room and the scan today seemed to take longer with the machine stopped, I thought that something was wrong. But you can not really leave so I started opening my eyes wide in direction of the video camera. Maybe they could see it and think I was in need of help. In which case if they would show up I could ask if everything was going well. It certainly was. I had also forgotten how hard they are manipulating the cateter. They put it in the middle of my arm, injected the fluid and where usually other nurses remove carefully the plaster and then the needle, here they take everything in a single movement. Like if they were waxing. Bit unpleasant.

Note: Not a good idea to have chicken tikka masala after a fast of more than 12 hours and a PET scan. Not a good idea at all.

Radio on the go

2010-01-22T12:56:00.007Z

The radio planning has been done...in 15 minutes. You couldn't ask for quicker. And the nurse shot all the explanation speedier than Gonzalez. The bed was hard, as they kept warning, the tattoos (one in the arm, the other in the middle of the chest) are tiny and painfless (they use a needle and ink), and I kept still like a rock. I even tried to memorize every position of legs, arms and hands. I want this to go well. No moves whatsoever (as advertised in all reading material). I just had a doubt about the tattoos. If the point they made is in the middle of the chest how come they will only touch a bit of the lung? By the middle of the chest they reach heart and the full left lung. But the nurse reassured me that the tattoos do not show the area of radiation, but the position of the body. Uff! Done and the nurse told me to go to Maggie's Center (www.maggiescentres.org, see pics enclosed), that "awful" orange building outside. They offer support, like massages, etc. I thought "awful" building? But that is the famous cancer support center praised by its aestethics. You don't really discuss taste. The nurse may prefer the old building where she works to the new Maggie center, an example of cosy place, where cancer patients feel at home. Another example of British philantropy. They offer yoga, massage, relaxation and stress management courses. The lady kept insisting on stress management. I don't know if I can cope with a quiet life, but I might give it a try. Though 6 weeks of course seems a bit too much.

CT scan and released again

2010-01-21T11:57:00.005Z

What an anxiety. I want to go home...meaning I want to run away from hospital food. But what is the point to go home if you are not fully re-established? Since I am isolated they tend to "forget" me a bit. Consequently, I got a bit irritated when by 09:30 they still hadn't shown up for the blood samples (despite my requests to do it asap). Yesterday they did the blood samples but didn't count the neutrophils. At 10:00 today I had to be at the CT scan. So if they didn't do the blood samples, I would be stuck here due to bureaucracy or lack of organization. They finally arrived and I could go to the scan. I was supposed to drink a liter of water, but the instructions were unclear. I only had 450 ml expecting to have more at the CT office. They think 450 ml is OK, though it left me with the feeling that the results could be wrong because some water is missing. Anyway, they are the pros. The water is to help making the scan clearer. Plus they inject you this fluid that gives a warm feeling and nausea and helps highlighting the parts of the body they need to scan. Since I am so accostumed to chemicals by now, I didn't feel anything. Little fight between departments, the ward had to put me a canular. As they didn't, a doctor had to come downstairs to the CT office to do it!! For your info, last time I did a scan here the CT people did the canular, so why couldn't they do it this time? The doctor did it, but I had another of these doubtful moments: as the doctor is not used to do it, the needle was not correctly positioned and there was a bit of pain. There wasn't really! To complete all this one of the staff comes to me spdaking in Spanish: "You are Spanish no?" Well, indeed no mate, I am Portuguese. But I still showed him my language skills. So there I went to the machine. You lay back, arms behind your head, they give you the fluid and off you go. A voice tells you to breathe in and hold it, you pass the round circle that scans you and then the same voice tells you to breath normally. This takes place twice and you are done. Results available on 01/03. Back to the ward the doctors come to see me. It is OK to leave, though you don't really figure out where their decision lies compared to the previous day. That is, they don't have the neutrophils results yet, but since I am feeling OK, no fever, the white cells are much improved, I can go home. Well, I was like that yesterday as well. Of course, I am back Monday for a routine consultation and they will check the blood again. Interestingly I learned that if the neutrophils are low the machine doesn't count them automatically, a specialist needs to count them manually, like litterally manually, 1, 2, 3....Another team of doctors shows up: I am OK I say, he is OK they say and off they go. As I trust doctors, I shall not play the perfectionist and insist on scientifical bullet proof results that would keep me here for weeks and I go happily home.

Wake me up...not

2010-01-20T09:52:00.007Z

How quick we forget what happens to us in a hospital. Let me tell you what happened to me since I was re-admitted yesterday. Nothing dramatic...just the proof that is impossible to rest.

15:00 They give me first intravenous antibiotic. We had to stop as I almost throw out, so quick this thing went into my system.

15:15 New antibiotic (they need to flush the hickman line each time). Administered at each 6 hours. They take me the blood pressure and check temperature

16:15 Flush the line after the antibiotic is finished

17:30 The assistant comes with the admission questionnaire (I confirmed my religion is still the same since December)

18:00 Dinner...oh my God!!!! And the assistant comes back for more questions and samples

18:30 Blood pressure and temperature

20:00 They give me a 8 hour bag of fluids

21:00 I am reading and start feeling really sleepy, but at 22:00 I need to take a medicine

21:30 Neutrophil injection

22:00 Get the medicine and go to sleep

23:00 Blood pressure and temperature. Order breakfast.

00:00 New bag of antibiotic

00:20 Flush the line after antibiotic is finished

03:00 Flush the line and new bag of fluids

06:00 New bag of antibiotic

06:20 Flush the line after antibiotic is finished

07:00 Blood pressure and temperature

08:00 Nurse visit

09:00 Breakfast

09:15 Blood samples

09:30 Doctor visit (all going well you may leave in the next three days)

09:45 Different doctor visit (all going well, you may leave today depending on blood samples)

(and since I am isolated they need to put on new gloves and an apron each time)

Don't get me wrong. All this must be done. But it is not simple to try to rest.

Back to hospital...nothing major

2010-01-19T13:58:00.003Z

Yesterday I vomited dinner and lunch (indeed lunch had not been digested). Today, regular blood samples showed that the neutrophils are slightly low. Putting both facts together doctors decided I should stay for intravenous antibiotics and neutrophils injections. 1 or 2 days. Precaution measure. Back to hospital food.....

Oh! disgrace....TV is back

2010-01-18T13:50:00.004Z

I finally managed to get Virgin Media to come around and install my TV and broadband. With my in and out of hospital it was not possible to do it before. And I now even have wireless internet. Wow! So quick that my brain needs to adapt. But, TV is a vicious machine....I still have plenty of books to read and DVD's to watch. My stay in hospital was definitely short (thank God and the hospital staff) to catch up. How did I survive 7 years (true) without TV after I came back from Brazil? Clearly I did. First imagine on that screen, that stayed in the dark for 2 months, the Haiti disgrace. I could have stayed in watching for hours, but resisted.

Some other disgrace, or maybe not. It appears that the blood samples I took this morning revealed high levels of sodium?! The nurse think it might be a mistake, but I need to go back. According to "Wikipedia" this could be linked to fluids and kidneys functioning. I am feeling OK, I am feeling OK, I am feeling OK.

Fait divers 1: My Swiss neighbour (door to door, if closer I had to live with her), this beautiful, but unnice girl, managed to open the front door in front of me and not say hello. The feeling is like you are there, she sees you, but she totally ignores you. This wasn't the first time, but she did it again, confirming my previous suspicion that I have the worst neighbours in town. She is not the only one in the building that fills in the category " Let's ignore the neighbours". Next time she is not able to open the front door and rings my bell, it will be pay back time. Oh! Gosh. She followed me to the restaurant and she is sitting now in front of me.

Fait divers 2: The other day a friend said " London is so expensive that when you leave home you are already 200 pounds in negative". I have found this hilarious, not to mention so true.

Fait divers 3: Did you ever feel that your cleaning lady is not working the full hours you have paid for and that she is not cleaning properly? Well that is the way I feel each time she comes by. Veselina, is her name. She complains the ironing takes all her time (if tat least if the end result was good). I have a certain difficulty to communicate with her (maybe the fact that she has a hand cream name!) so anything I need I treat through the agency "Perfect Clean". Perfect? Yeah right!. Anyway, the communication didn't get much better. They convinced me to buy some cleaning products (that I had to search for on internet as I didn't know what they are) just to find out after that I had these products at home. Apart from a language problem my cleaning lady might have another problem with her sight. Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that today I decided to do some ironing (yes I also iron, and very well, I accept commissions if you need a hand). It took me almost 45 minutes to iron 2 duvet covers!!! To perfection. In any case, I might need to concede that the woman needs more time. I will ask her to raise a ticket with my helpdesk and I will investigate her case. lol.

Me again seen by a photographer in the 30's

2010-01-17T01:02:00.005Z

I saw this photo in a book and couldn't stop laughing thinking of my situation.

It is a autoportrait by Herbert Bayer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herbert_Bayer. This was a cultural Saturday. Two photograph exhibitions to help educating my persona in view of enriching my collection. For your own personal enrichment: 1 - http://www.hamiltonsgallery.com/ (tour with one of the photographers, Kobi Israel)....you should see the boss' office. OMG, I want the same. 2 - http://www.selmaferiani.com. We also saw the photographer: Rula Halawani, not very friendly :-(. Kobi Israel is jewish and Rula is palestinian. They didn't meet, but when we told Kobi that Rula was not very nice he said it was probably the fault of the israelis. Lol.

Haiti...you can help

2010-01-14T10:54:00.003Z

As you know we have everything we want in our developped countries...and we still complain. I have a lymphoma, free healthcare, free food (at hospital) and so on. If you had the chance to look at what is going on in Haiti, it is horrendous. Not only they are the poorest country in the world but now they also got this terrible disaster. You can help by donating.

Some sources. Be generous:

For UK, US and international organizations

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8456730.stm

For Portugal

http://www.ami.org.pt/

Let's get graphic

2010-01-13T21:27:00.006Z

I realized that I tell you about hickman line, radio, but I don't give you a true image so that you get better the real thing. So, here you go an image of a hickman line (not me, sorry to disappoint you) and a radio session (clearly not me!). Enjoy. It doesn't hurt. Well! the line, as the radio I didn't try as of yet.

Putting on weight

2010-01-13T20:57:00.003Z

"You have even put on weight!" ... the comment, from a colleague, right in the middle of a conversation that clearly meant that looking at my face it seems I have been stuffing myself, felt like 1000 bells ringing in my head. Help! I am putting on weight? But like in the weight is concentrated in my face...yes because the rest is pretty much like in good old days configuration. Oh gosh where is the gym? Miguel doesn't put on weight. Well, I lost a few kilos in the hospital. Normal I would say. But once back home, as a free man, free to choose the food I cook or pay for, I am back to normal. I just miss that extra (not big) bit of muscle that only gym (or a work in building) gives. And I miss gym, I do. I really thought that after chemo was finished I could run to the gym, but nope. The hickman line is still there and I better not have a flash of blood jumping from the line into the exercising neighbour. It wouldn't look good either in the swimming pool. Imagine me going down the stairs from the changing rooms into the pool with some stuff falling from my chest. Enough to scare everyone. The hickman line is not removed before the scanner results. It will take at least three weeks. Then there is radiotherapy. Not good idea either to have gym while roasting my left armpit. Anyway, if there is an advice I can give: exercise. I am absolutely convinced that I took chemo better than others because of all the gym. You may wonder but which gym, because you see me as slim. Well, I am not slim, I am fit. Doubts? In the first week in hospital the doctor asked me to soften the stomach so that she could do a check. Meaning, my stomach was in full abs splendor. Lol, but true! I have to thank G. for all his patience as my gym buddy. Despite feeling he was trying to kill me at each session, I even told him his goal was to see me being taken away in an ambulance, all the pain was worth it. No pain no gain.

While waiting for radio...an exhibition. Overrated!

2010-01-12T18:59:00.005Z

Overcrowded, overpriced, overrated.
The Victoria & Albert Museum magic formula: a good poster and marketing, a fancy set for the start of the exhibition, a few objects (and I mean few), paintings or drawings doing for the missing objects, some short videos and a lot of merchandising at the shop. The Maharaja exhibition raises a lot of expectations, like all other exhibitions they do. But knowing how rich the Indian kings' culture was/is you can only be disappointed. The Sunday Times described it as a "tremendous" exhibition. I wonder if we saw the same exhibition. It felt a bit like when E. commented the royal jewels exhibition at the Tower of London: "Is this all?" and "This is all fake!". At the Maharaja's there are a few interesting displays though. A few amazing jewels and clothes. But too little. The rest is a lot of beautiful drawings making for the lack of artefacts. And then you need to queue to read the texts. So I quitted and just had a quick look at everything. But the shop is there at the end with a rich display of objects they want you to buy. All this for 11 GBP. Better go to the medieval section of the museum. Free, better would be to be paid if the overall price we bear to have a free museum is to have disappointing temporary exhibitions. In the medieval section they have among others this huge column of some roman emperor. I wonder if they have paid for it or if they just "borrowed' it.

Another fait divers: The Sherlock Holmes is worth watching. Another good story with the detective, fantastic performance by Robert Downey Jr and the cemetery scene takes place at the Old Brompton cemetery just around my place. Where I take my nephews to see the squirrels. They didn't get what we were doing at the cemetery (my nephews, not the squirrels) as in Portugal a cemetery is a sacred place or close ot it. But I like it.

Radio radio radio...not for tomorrow :-(

2010-01-11T20:28:00.005Z

After hickman line cleaning at C&W Hospital I had radiotherapy appointment at Charing Cross Hospital. Not in Charing Cross, as I originally thought (thank God I checked first or would have ended up in the other side of town) but in Fulham, not far from home. The hospital is a Imperial College NHS Trust, so, full of medical students. Dr. T. welcomed me with two students. As usual they asked if the students could attend. I said of course as long as they don't ask stupid questions. You remember the last time when after 15 minutes the guy stated: 'Oh! So you know you have a cancer!!!!". They were cute and being a guinea pig can be fun. This time they even got to touch the hickman line and I entertained them while Dr. T went to get the consultant (the big brain Dr. P.). I gave a quick course on how chemo feels like!! But going back to radiotherapy. I thought I would get there and tomorrow we would start. Nope. They need to see more exams (the originals); speak to Prof B.; within 2 weeks they will get me an appointment to do the radiotherapy planning and within 8 to 10 days after we can start. Boring....I went saying we can start tomorrow. But it didn't work. This won't start before February. However, good news it won't be for 6 weeks, but only 4. More good news they are pretty confident that it will be a easy ride for me and will kill the lymphoma....bad news they will touch the left lung!!!! but just a bit...and as I don't smoke I won't risk a cancer....just a fibrosis. Nothing special they say. I just need to remember, in future, if I have a lung X-Ray to tell the radiologists that I had radiotherapy. I don't know if I should be too relieved. Also, I can forget exposure to the sun, only in the radiotherapy location, for the rest of my life (Oh My God). Otherwise, I can enlist myself to a skin cancer treatment. But with strong protection it is OK. Oh! and I will get a tattoo to mark the radiotherapy location...nothing fancy like a siren, just two tiny dots. I joked with the doctor saying I would tattoo "DON'T TAKE SUN HERE".

Fait Divers:
1 - Leaving the hospital I wondered where to have lunch when I spotted Pizza Express. You might recall how desperate I was in my last day in hospital to have a pizza romana from Pizza Express. So I went for it with a big smile and excited stomach. Made my choice, the pizza arrives and oh horror and disappointment, there were anchovies, which I hate. I asked if the menu mentioned anchovies, the waitress said yes and then in typical British client-focus she offered to take it back and do me a new one! She made my day. Pizza romana "siciliana". Delicious.
2 - I went to the Thomas Macaulay Ward to say hi to the staff and deliver a little gift to M. the Portuguese assistant. Being Portuguese she treated me better than anyone else and I thought I could give her a little something. I called her aside and asked her not to show to everyone as I was not distributing gifts (yet) to all staff. She was very happy. I then went to speak to other staff and when leaving I could see M. in the staff room opening the gift for all her colleagues to see! Some people never learn.
3- Cinema moment: "It's complicated" with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. I recommend. Meryl at her best, good performances, not the typical silly comedy. Interesting cinema crowd: mostly women in their forties, fifties and sixties and middle age couples. It confirms what the critics say. Hollywood is being taken over by elder women actresses giving women movies they want to watch. Well and men as well.
4-When writing the post I had to confirm how to write "siren", but I wrote "syren" in google. Syren is a thai porn actress. Well done for you syren. Even syrens can be entertainers!!

Tomorrow

2010-01-10T15:36:00.002Z

Tomorrow, Monday 11th January 2010 is time for another cleaning of the hickman line (they can't take it out until they can the scanner results) and consultation with the radiotherapy specialists to determine the treatment that will follow. I will keep you informed.

"Parce que je veux bien"

2010-01-08T09:29:00.002Z

Because I am worth it as per L'Oreal. I recalled this line during my visit to my company's office. It was good to see current and old colleagues. And they all say I look good. I wonder if they were just expecting a dreadful cancer look and it turned I look normal or I just look really good. But taking into account the compliments on my face skin and shaved head I conclude I definitely look good. So, I started joking. "If you want the same look go chemo". And there we go, a new cosmetic industry goldmine, better than botox, "Chemo parce que je veux bien". I will suggest to the NHS a joint venture (I do the marketing, they deliver the cure), they would solve their financial problems in no time. I can see those old californian style ladies (and a few men) queuing for a drip of chemo. No pain no pain, but the results are outstanding. :-)

As promised

2010-01-06T08:20:00.003Z

On a previous post, here is the illustration of my good mood in the New Year. In part the consequence of the good company and maybe also the effect of the two glasses of champagne of the previous day. After so much water champagne brings your spirit up.

What to do with your free time while killing a lymphoma?

2010-01-05T18:50:00.004Z

For instance, go to the cinema. Session 15:00. You and 300 empty chairs, until the retired and the teenagers start arriving. And this is the typical audience ...at 15:00. The sick (in recovery), the retired and teenagers. At least everyone behaved. But going to the cinema, namely here is an experience that I enjoy less and less. First, the price: It went up again. Now it stands at 10 GBP. I looked at the seller and said "Again?! For this price do I get to sit with the main actress?". Therefore, I decided to make the unlimited card at 16.50 GBP per month. I can see as many movies as I want (but do you really do it?). However, little detail, the cinemas in my Borough (The Royal one and only) are more expensive. Consequently, the card is more expensive! Rich neighbourhood, expensive cinema. I will try to argue that I am not a banker. Second, the advertising: the session starts at 15:00. That is, the advertising starts at 15:00 and runs for 25 minutes. Now, I paid 10 GBP already and still have to take 25 minutes of advertising? Who asked for it? Third, the popcorn: I simply hate these fuckers eating, touching, making noises with the popcorn (not to mention the smell of the guacamole). I am paying 10 GBP to watch a movie, let me enjoy it without sound effects around me. If I had a knife with me I could stick it 3 or 4 times on my neighbour until his head fell into his popcorn box. The other day these 2 Spanish girls were driving me so nuts to the point that I turned to them and told them in the best possible Spanish that either they stopped making noise or I would!!!! Like that. Lol. Fourth, that little light above your head: these lights that they keep switched for some security reason, but that always fall above your head. Cinema is an experience where there is a dark room and a screen shooting images. Just that. No little lights above your head!

Anyway, I went to see NINE, which I recommend. Quite a feast for your eyes and all actors can indeed sing. And I launch a challenge. If you saw the movie or will see it, let me know where you catch D&G. Yes the real Dolce and Gabbana show up very quickly in the movie. So pay attention.

Service update

2010-01-04T13:44:00.003Z

Technically speaking I am doing very well. Feeling OK. No spam, service interruptions, outages. Coca Cola still doesn't taste ok, but even that will come back. Hair starts considering growing again. Today I saw Prof. B. Some of the medicine was dropped. I will have a scanner on the 21st then see him again the week after. And a new PET is being scheduled for the same time. Only then we can conclude for the effectiveness of the chemo and decide if the hickman line can be removed. The nurse decided to have a go at me when I asked how they will do it: "Oh! they will simply push it out". "What do you mean? No anesthetics?" I said. But I was reassured that yes the procedure will be like when they have put it on me. I won't feel anything. And by the way I need to visit hospital every week to flash the line. So, basically I am a bit stuck. And finally, radiotherapy. Side effects: skin bit burned, sensitive and fatigue. It is going to take place at the Charing Cross Hospital. 5 minutes a day of radio. For six weeks!!!!!???? SIX weeks? I hope this is just Prof. B. extrapolating. Well, I don't hope anything. It is the treament, so what must be must be. The important is to be really well at the end. No idea when they can start it. Charing Cross Hospital needs to write me. Fingers crossed so that it starts asap.

Better than paracetamol...Harrods sales

2010-01-02T22:27:00.007Z

Well....I am sick, but not dead or handicaped. Consequently, going out on sales is part of the cure. And what happened to me today at Harrods was better than neutrophils boost injections, alcaline solutions or blood transfusions....it wasn't painful, not even for the credit card. :-). I shall share the experience with you: I was going around trying to find a pullover and after an intense search I was ready to call it out since there was literally nothing to buy and my patience is short these days. I detained myself for a last attempt at a range of clothes they were announcing at 50 GBP and less. A range of shirts. And the first item is this long blue coat SMILING at me (literally calling my name). My brain tried to adjust quickly to the relation item and price. But I was quickly called back to earth. The coat couldn't cost 50 GBP!!! Not a Raf Simons 100% wool (almost looks like cashmere). I looked for the price tag and surprise surprise the coat was significantly more expensive. Disappointed I teased the little and nice female shop assistant: "Darling so this coat costs 50 GBP then? Can I have it in different colours?". And she goes: "Oh! No. You wish, you wish, I will also buy it. It must be misplaced". I confirmed the price with her and she insisted I tried it. Next thing, we had an Ally MacBeal moment, when in the series everything turned crazy and there were like allucinations. That is, I looked myself at the mirror and the coat has Miguel Miguel Miguel written all over and says take me home, take me home. You got it. The coat fitted me perfectly!
Well except that it fits too perfectly and since I lost some kilos, when I get them back what do I do with the coat? But with the shop's assistant help I concluded that I am basically missing muscle in the upper side and that is still manageable under such a beautiful coat. But the price!!! Not to mention that there is a little detail!!! The coat, instead of a pocket on the left up side, it has this kind of window with a metal underneath (almost a mirror!). Indeed, it turns to play the effect of a half heart. Cute! Nothing that my mother can't fix. Anyway, price is a problem. And the shop assistant goes: "Let me check, we might have reduced further the price". She comes back with a big smile and my heart starts beating faster. The coat was half half the initial price!!!!!! What? This is like winning the Euromillions but reverse, you dont really win anything, you just spend much less. I save you the details of the price. Mr Simons isn't cheap and my taste either, but if you imagine that the original price was 100 and what I read as sale price was 50, it turned to be 25 and I still had a 10% discount as Harrods client. If this was not my day, if 2010 is not my year...this is a luck sign! So, done deal. I don't know who was more excited, the shop assistant, myself (on cloud nine), my Amex? Got home all excited, tried the coat...it is black! not blue. But still amazing on me :-) and the laughing goes on. Go shopping, have fun.

http://www.rafsimons.com/collections/aw-09/

Laughing is good

2010-01-02T00:37:00.003Z

Hi, Hi 2010. Here we are already, quick and easy. I have spent the two last days in very good physical and mental mood. If it wasn't for my loss of muscle and weight, I would have thought nothing has happened in the last 3 months. Nothing extraordinary! I don't know if it is the result of an overdose of paracetamol (just kidding! I just had 4 pills in two days) , two glasses of champagne (yes I have allowed myself some alchool after three months of water and water and water) or just the company of my friend C. that was very kind to spend New Year's eve with me. I have been laughing for two days. In such an unexpected manner, that I found myself saying several times: "C. this is not normal, this is not normal!!"....and the laughing goes on (I will get you a picture to prove the point). Maybe I expected normal to be "once you go chemo you never come back". I hope the old me is just settling now and chemo may be definitely abandoning my blood, not the least my brain. Yo! let's keep up the good work.

BOM ANO/HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-12-31T11:41:00.004Z

And 2010 is there. Almost. Time flies. I can definitely tell it this year with a different perspective. And as usual, at this time (as in other celebrations), we offer our best wishes to everyone: Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, Happy Easter and so on. Most times it just comes out as a standard season greeting melody: Happy New Year...All the best....May your wishes come true. The circumstances of life lead me to wish you all, my friends, colleagues and anonimous followers of my blog, with the most profound meaning a Great Healthy 2010. And a great 2010 as simple as in good health. The rest will follow (the love, the money, the job, the house....the the... the that each one of us is looking for). If health is not there...fuckitol!!! Be good, be also bad, but be yourselves and enjoy life throughout 2010 and beyond. 2009 has not been that bad after all...we are still alive! See you in 2010.

Taste is back

2009-12-30T10:14:00.002Z

That was quick. Goes for lunch and comes back for dinner!!!! Bit shy, but back. How do I know? Try 100% cacao chocolate followed by plastic fantastic strawberry. I explain. Dinner was fish and yes I could taste fish, though, you know, not a fresh fish from the portuguese atlantic waters. Then I had a sudden wish to eat chocolate. Unfortunately, I could only find a 100% cacao and I forgot what that means. Not sweet...at all. What a disappointment. I thought taste is really gone. But then realized that 100% cacao means not sweet. So, went for the strawberry. And the contrast was so big that the strawberry did indeed taste strawberry.

Taste is gone

2009-12-29T14:51:00.004Z

No panic...I am not talking about taste like in style. No, no, that one is still there these days. I hope. Lol. Food taste left me. Almost unannounced. How do I know? Facing a pizza at lunch today. The fight of the meals. Pizza margherita versus Miguel's appetite and taste. I won, I mean I ate the pizza, but was it a pizza? It could have been have been fish and chips in disguise. To confirm the loss I moved to the beautiful strawberries I bought at M&S. Beautiful, you know, like when you are in normal taste conditions they look pretty good but end up quite plastic fantastic? In this particular case I could see the strawberry but it could have been a potatoe as well...from the taste....less. Quite an experience. It is almost like molecular cuisine, so en vogue by El Buli. With a variation in my case, on molecular cuisine you see a strawberry but it tastes like an olive, for instance. In my case it tastes nothing. I am taste neutral, no reason to complain about food now. Maybe I should try lamb and saumon. But, as the brain is still working I guess it would be a no go. It will come back though, it will come back, sooner or later. The food taste. Miam!

What's up?

2009-12-28T09:25:00.002Z

Christmas is over....so much excitment, rush rush and its already gone. Next year there is more. You guys had a good Christmas? Anything out of normal, like Santa Claus didn't show up due to snow disruption on the MI5? Family left, I am back to my position as king of my world. :-). Sleep, eat, drink water drink water, read, watch dvd's/internet. Got a bit of cold, bit shy, not defined yet.

I survived Christmas eve

2009-12-25T09:59:00.005Z

Oh Gosh, it was not easy....but excellent to have family around and the dinner came up just as in Portugal. So everyone was happy. Pretty intense though with all family around (kids will always be kids) and me a bit tired. And the food, the food and the food! I had to battle myself back from stuffing some kilos of bacalhau and risking to spend the night....you know doing what. And then the sweets, more sweets and more. The enclosed picture gives an idea of my head and spirit spining around in waves of excitment and despair vav a Christmas eve after chemo. I survived! Ops! There is now Christmas lunch arriving. I think I need some exercise.

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells - tocam os sinos na torre da igreja

2009-12-23T16:00:00.003Z

The allergy is gone. Uff! Couldn't scare my mother. Enough commotion already to see me with a shaved head. Family arrives tomorrow for the battle of the Christmas Eve "bacalhau". It's going to feel like a refugee camp evacuating Christmas dinner from Portugal to London (people, food, drink, pans, sweets...the all lot). I hope the airport authorities don't stop the vegetables and codfish or we end up having cucumber sandwiches. I wish you all my friends a great time with your families. I shall be silent for a few days. Nothing will happen anyway, just eat, drink, eat, drink, and eventually some natural irritation with relatives insisting to eat more (very Portuguese: "Eat more, eat! Don't leave and then say you were hungry!"). Never try this line on me.

Allergic to my place!!

2009-12-22T20:11:00.002Z

Is it possible? Before the last cycle started I spent a few days at home and the body started getting all red. I got to the hospital and there were no traces to show to the doctors. Like if the allergy had become, all of a sudden, doctor shy. Now I am back home and the allergy is mildly showing up. This body only wants now aseptic hospital environments? Need to give it a few days of adaptation. Oh! The wonders of chemo.

2 months have run

2009-12-21T20:53:00.005Z

2 months already since I was told about my partner in crime (23/10). 1.5 at hospital (since 09/11), the rest at home. Crazy, time flies!! The world didn't change much...I got a new look. Its Christmas, almost New Year. Life goes on. So, what's next you may wonder? Next week consultation for blood tests and liver check up. Week after new blood tests and see Prof B. for next steps assessment. Then new scans.....spooky, at that stage we see if chemo has worked. Their intention is to do only two cycles, which have just finished. But you never know. All fingers crossed. And maybe some local and minimal radiotherapy to finish the process. From now on and until further notice I am resting at home, like a lazy cat. Miau miau!

My Christmas tree

2009-12-21T13:19:00.002Z

With a Galo de Barcelos taste.

Amazing machine

2009-12-21T11:49:00.002Z

This body of ours!!! Neutrophils at 1.4 today, another intrathecal (spine injection) and I am out of hospital tonight. Last time took me another week to go through recovery. Ufff!!! freedom again and Christmas definitely at home. My priorities today: walk the walk in the ward to get this body shaking again. Eat a pizza for lunch and a chicken curry Wagamama for dinner. This is what freedom means, isn't that simple? Who wants more?

The neutrophils league

2009-12-20T17:47:00.002Z

Me and my neutrophils and my isolation room are a competition of its own. Whoever wins first determines when I can go home again. Last time it took a week and three days. It went from 0 to 0 until jumped to 5 thanks to an ...overdose, of boost injections. Now it went from 0.5 on Friday to 0.3 yesterday to 0.4 today...Is it going to be quicker this time? Fingers crossed. Home here I may go.

Free from drip

2009-12-19T13:59:00.004Z

Is it the baguette and ham speed cure? Or just the body getting quickly used to chemo? The reality is that I am now (Saturday 14:00) free from the drip. Earlier than the previous time. The body already eliminated the traces of chemo. Uff!!!! Feel less of a water fountain. Still blocked in the isolation room, but at least slghtly freer. This is the second time in a week that I conclude how impressive our body is. On Tuesday the red cells went low and the doctors decided to give me a blood transfusion. I was a bit shocked as I never had a blood tranfusion and felt, for the first time, that strange external blood would run through my veins. Almost felt like a jehova and tempted to refuse. For some, maybe bureaucratic reason, the blood tranfusion went forgotten and I even insisted on it. And two days after I didn't need it anymore!!

Back to isolation

2009-12-19T10:26:00.003Z

Like a misbehaved inmate. Though I don't misbehave. I think they even miss me in the corridors (I am young, smile, don't run around in delirium and I am low maintenance, who would say that!). This time, at least, I get a view of the city and not the hospital hall and avoid being tortured by the sound of coffee downstairs at "Costa". I just noticed I could get a job as traffic controller for the British airtraffic authorities for the period of my isolation! Does it pay to count the number of aircrafts I see from my window ? There is one a minute at least.

Nightmare in the ward

2009-12-18T09:30:00.004Z

The last two nighst at the ward have been pretty busy, like in hollywood action busy. Main character: Manel on the left. The poor man has been isolated, is in deep pain and is loosing it as well. Two nights ago the agony was too much to bear. His screams waking up everyone and clearly his speech was not choerent anymore. Taking into account that he is Portuguese I got the worst of his delirium, since I was the one understanding it. Not nice to watch or hear. It is enough to suffer, but to loose your mind as well is a bit too much. This last night things got even worst. He tried to leave the hospital, kicked everyone and started moving from the corridor into the ward where the three remaining of me and my colleagues hided in panick under our sheets awaiting for him to jump on us. Quite a possibility, since not even his wife could stop him. He is quiet now...days are quiet. And he is a Benfica fan, at least he shouted Benfica while in deliirium. I knew there had to be something wrong with him.

Food, food, food, visions of food

2009-12-17T11:49:00.005Z

I am now in that stage where I guess I would beat any pregnancy instinct for food. I only think of food. I switch on TV and there is...food. I eat, I want more. I may end up attacking B5's Indian delicatessens. Smells so good. But, obviously that with chemo all this food visions are hallucinations. I can't eat all I want. So in order to keep me sane, I am listing what I need to do next (not in order of priority not to offend anyone) when I am out of here:
- Stuff myself in pizza Mamma Roma in Brussels;
- A calamar salad at "Fin de Siecle" in Brussels;
- Mum and sisters food in great quantity. Roasted and more roasted home raised chicken. And lodds of bacalhau;
- Antonio's pasta;
- a piece of traditional baguette with cheese, ham and butter.....yummie!
- Japanese Canteen chicken terriaki;
- a egg bacon sandwich for breakfast (now I am really gone into a British acculturation);
- a Paul grille pomme;
- some Whole Foods after gym;
- "Number 1" thai food;
- The chicken curry at Busaba Eathai;
- Sara's and Ahmet's comfy food and cakes;
- and my food of course.

Oh God! Better stop. This is too painful.

It is snowing

2009-12-16T14:32:00.002Z

Yep, it is snowing outside (inside only a lot of fluids and chemo going again through my hickman line). It won't stay...the snow. But it is nice as a prelude of a white Chritsmas. My large window view is complete with a now massive sea of lillies. The Kentucky friend of Mr B2 is very extravagant, very good friend and sent him 5 huge bouquets of lillies. I just hope my nose can cope with such garden once all these flowers start blossoming. Bckground music...the wife of B5 reciting some kind of religious book. Pretty annoying really. The rythmn is a killer. Shall I start revicing the Bible like an American TV evangelical presenter or simply histerically praised the Lord? Oh! No. She is now singing. Let me try to sleep a bit.

7am blood pressure calls

2009-12-15T09:31:00.008Z

Couldn't they do it at 8? Maybe 8.30? Is there a good chance my heart decides to stop around 7ish and their statistics go bananas? Message is, let me....try...to sleep. But around 7am I start hearing the assistants approaching the ward. Mr this, Mr that blood pressure. B3 Mr Ferreira blood pressure. "Hi, what time is it?" "7am darling" "Bit early don't you think?". But she is funny. As we approach Christmas I believe yhey recruit external staff for this as I don't know these new faces. In this case it is a black lady with a very funny accent. She recalls me the song of Mika where there is a lady speaking before he starts singing. Let's see if I can reproduce it here (listen below around minute 4:12). And she left me for another Mr this blood pressure. The conversation with Mr M. turns into scrambleg eggs, bacon. Christ! give me a break. Do I really have to hear all this? Just stuff is mouth with the blood pressure machine and make sure his heart runs. And do it quickly.

Where days finish. Or nights start?

2009-12-15T09:12:00.002Z

My count of pills finishes or starts. Yesterday I reached 13. Could be worst. A new pill for stomach protection, though I didn't realize that protection meant transforming the poor organ into a unmovable stone. Which added to intestine cramps it promised a rocky night. Finally, I admitted I need half a sleeping pill to force me to sleep. Still managed to wake up three times. Reason being the intestine problems. The cramps only show up during the last cycle in the last three days. Spooky!! They are starting now. I literally felt each piece of lunch steak flowing through each cm of intestine and if you recall well your biology classes, the intestine is a long tunnel. Couldn't I simply get some fireman pump thrown into my mouth to give me massive flash of water and wash away any possible food? It would be quicker at least than the painkillers. I did order them, but the nurse was slow or forgot it. By that point of despair I felt like using the good title of this blog and shout from my B3 boot: " Nurse , where the fuck are those fucking painkillers". But I did control myself and just used the beep again. There she comes "Hi love here you go" by when my brain was already in the mode "fuck off and next time be quicker". Lol

I am full, like in stomach full

2009-12-14T18:15:00.003Z

Weekend at home was another opportunity to stuff myself. But the chemo takes it toll on the food I eat. Having been used all my life to eat what I want and in the quantity I want without putting an extra kilo, it would be a bit unfair now to re-educate myself due to chemo. Probably it will come. Not too much food to avoid indigestion, not too little to avoid getting weak!! I can hear the complains of you less unfortunate to whom that extra bread or delicious piece of chocolate cake implies a regime or extra sports. Not good old Miggy. So, feeling today like having another steak at Sophie's was a troublesome experience. The quantity was the same as usual, same old 10' ribeye, french fries and salad. The outcome was painful. An entire afternoon resting and waiting digestion to follow its course. Maybe I need to start eating more slowly. No even hospital managed yet to make me loose old habits. For those of you in the City, I gag for a Japanese Canteen Chicken Terriaki, yummie! It comes second in top wishes after my Portuguese bacalhau. This one I will kill over Christmas, the terriaki as soon as I go back to work. Not a good idea to try it before. Not cold.

My new me

2009-12-13T11:30:00.004Z

What I used to look like and what I look like now. Pick and choose.

Back home for weekend

2009-12-12T08:28:00.007Z

Another rest at home. Though I start thinking if it is a good idea. After all in two days I am back to that food. If you missed the beginning of this blog (where have you been anyway?) I started by loving the food, then igonring it, still don't hate it, but I am not far. Reason why, yesterday, taking advantage that everyone was in the spirit of Christmas parties, I also had mine with a steak at Sophie's Steakhouse, my steak hideaway in Fulham Road. www.sophiessteakhouse.co.uk. It is so good to go to a place where they know you, they give you a big smile, know what you want. Basically treat you like a loyal customer. Exactly like in Brussels, isn't it? I need to share this one with the ones of you that didn't have the chance to know yet one of the best pearls of Belgian service. I am with a friend at "Pain Quotidien" Avenue Louise. It is 09:50, though I hadn't realize. We order a ham/cheese sandwich. "Oh! non desole, on sert pas des tartines avant 10 heures!!!!" - meaning sorry mate no sandwiches before 10. My friend was pretty shocked having realized it was 09:50. And hell, it could have been 08:00, a sandwich is a sandwich, a bit of cheese and ham in a bread. But, not in Belgium. In order to complete the scene, he girl proposes to bring the bread, the ham and the cheese...all separate. Which she did!!!!!! Now do you think she even realized our shock and how stupid she looked? I can answer, she didn't. There are more stories, if you wish.

And mortals we are

2009-12-11T10:57:00.003Z

The guy that was in isolation room and covered in tubes, had a a lung cancer. Had. He passed away yesterday. I could hear the family crying, but the staff plays it so discrete that you don't see what is going on. Then the door of the room was closed. And later in the evening they were taking the bed out of the room that became empty. Empty! Some hours before there was still a thin sign of life. 38 years old. American. Doctors kept him alive overnight so that the family could arrive from US and spend his last minutes at his side. We are here and all of a sudden we are not anymore.....the vulnerability of life. A fine line....

I can't complain can I?

2009-12-10T14:18:00.005Z

Judging by the 5 minutes the doctors spend with me everyday I think I can conclude I am doing well. They come in, how are you, fine, any questions? no questions, oh you are doing well. And they leave. But not everyone around me is in the same situation. One of the Maneis has the biopsy wound infected and it is getting difficult to heal. The British lad in front of me looks ok, but has back pain, had an heart attack, the nerves over the eye leaving him seeing double and cause him chest pain. The British toff (judging by his ring on the small finger) is ready to go home but kidneys block him. The Indian gentleman is pretty blocked and the other day his eyes were a bit bizzare, I thought he was dying. I think it was just pain and despair. On one of the isolated rooms there is a guy covered in tubes. I heard a lot of crying today from family and friends. In between the Christmas tree is being set up. Business as usual. The show must go on. Bottomline, if something shitty happens to you today, give a deep breath, think there is someone, somewhere in deep shit and you are just doing fine. Move on or take a break. There is only one thing that has no solution. Death. And it is also our biggest certainty. Poor mortals.

Back to chemo

2009-12-09T10:28:00.000Z

With so many stories around the Maneis, you may not know that I am back on chemo since Monday. Exactly the same cycle as the previous time. A first easier week with intrathecal's and 15 minutes intravenal chemo. But as I like things well organized I was not very pleased that the chemo last Monday started at 19:00 instead of 15:00 like last time and that they have changed my the doctore for the intrathecal. After all Dr. E. had given already three injections and I was used to her. Yesterday the doctor changed and I fell a bit tense. This reflected on feeling more the anesthetics. But still OK. Compared to last time I feel a bit more nausea, but again nothing dramatic. With chemo the beard is not growing, but is not falling eitehr, so I shaved it as well. My head finally looks like a perfect egg. At least the eyebrows and eyelashes are still there. And then there was the facing of the first meal at hospital after 5 days at home. I passed the test and could eat. Despite they give me steroids again, there is no way I will comment that the food is excellent like during my first week here.

Cultural note: TV has the basic English channels, 2 Arabian and 1 Indian. The Indian is a kind of MTV showing all the time Bollywood style clips. If you never watched Bollywood style clips I incentive you to do it. Visually it is extremely rich (the coreography, the clothes, the colours), women are all gorgeous, men so so. The sound and vocals are a bit of the same after 2 or 3 songs unfortunately. A lot of tiri tiri, that changes into siri siri, into piri piri song after song.

Maneis have found me

2009-12-08T14:38:00.000Z

:-(
I am sure that the Portuguese assistant M.I. couldn't resist telling Manuel on the left and Manuel in front that the guy on their side yesterday was also Portuguese. This despite me asking her for her silence. Mistake, I did not pay her silence. Today I got the visit of Manuel in front. Nice and quiet guy, just came to bring me a paper I forgot. Meaning good excuse to establish the contact. Then I went to the loo and came accross Manuel on the left. OMG, I know now what he thinks of the NHS, doctors, all his treatments, the last 5 months of problems, how his glandule went from a olive size to an orange size.....and what an headache I had at the end. Each time, I tried, to interrupt him, he would say "listen, listen' (Portuguese: "ouca, ouca") and would go on. Am I like this as well? After this episode I had a team building session with myself around my previous visits and I realized that I told them non stop everything about my situation from the GP meeting to the moment I saw the person!!! I should maybe re-assess and ask visitors if they have any questions. Lol. At least they were both nice and did not expose my silence yesterday. i said i had a lot of headache and had to rest. Manuel on the left, in his typical Portuguese sofa coach approach, said: "Oh I realized it, you looked so white". Thank you mate, at least I don't look a bit greyish like you.

A5 neighbours

2009-12-07T16:33:00.001Z

As advanced the ward is busy and I have been allocated bed A5, which stands in the middle :-( There are 6 beds in the "room". Three on one side, three on the other. As I was settling, I realized the something was familiar. There were two other Portuguese patients around. So, I have Manuel on my left and Manuel in front of me. Both on their 50's. And there is a Pepe on my right side, maybe Spanish, But bit quiet for a Spanish, not the usual trac trac trac trac. Manuel in front is quiet, but Manuel on the left is a chatty character. He simply doesn't stop. He beats me in all fronts. I contained myself and did not introduce myself, better go undercover and avoid that Manuel on the left starts harrassing me with bullshit conversation. Apart from that, going undercover allows me to listen to their conversations. As they think they are alone, the pearls that come out of their mouth are precious. They look like two old villager ladies chatting on all possible subjects with no end. Oh! and Manuel on the left's mobile is loud, he is louder, he whistles. Additionally, both exchange views on anything accross the room like if they are at their local caffe. Manuel on the left has just received the visit of Maria. She also gets pretty loud on the mobile. She couldn't hear apparently, so we had participate all in her call. Things start getting interesting when she decides that the staff are not treating Manuel on the left properly and has a row at the nurse. "These clowns are doing nothing, they will see, I will teach them a lesson. Always the same. They start taking care of patient and leave it in the middle". She turns to the nurse and says: "You are finishing with Manuel right? Today, not in three hours? He wants to know if its before midnight. Do you understand? Before midnight". The nurse turns her back and Maria says that British can not understand our humour! The three agree staff have a very...British humour. Lol. They also ellaborate on population numbers in Portugal and England and emigration. They refer to emigrants as "those foreigners". They forget they are emigrants themselves. Maria asks Manuel in front: "Do you know other awards in this hospital?" She means wards. Sweet! And they start ellaborating on the cleaning of the ward. Cleaning seems to be a national obession, even for me. It must be years of "cleaning lady" type of jobs. Not that I have done that one, yet! They are now, the three, in the best style 'Gato Fedorento" comedy, reviewing each ones diseases and problems like in a competition: who has the most and the worst problems? The three are the typical Portuguese emigrant I am afraid - despite years abroad they did not assimilate anything from the new culture, they remain the same Manuel and Maria of the little village or even big city back home. Sad. Being a villager boy myself, I know what I am saying and I can confirm the thesis of human evolution. Lol. So, I impatiently wait to be moved to bed B3, by the window and hope they do not understand I am 'one of them".

Back to hospital

2009-12-07T16:17:00.001Z

10:00 am is back to hospital, blood samples, blood pressure, weight, questionnaires (better be sure if you haven't changed your religion in the last 5 days!!) you did not get allergic to any of the medicine, re-check all the medicine you are taking and so on. Prof B. introduces me to Poppy (fictional name) , another youung trainee, this time with an extra ...she is the daughter of Dr. N. Everyone goes around saying hi, maybe to make sure there are no complains to her father. Poppy is... how to describe her? A cheerful girl, with a big smile and a big flower in her hair...and a mini skirt. I just have no clue what is her role. Didn't bother to ask. We have a laugh at each other with the help of Prof. B. that is on his usual good mood. He explained the next three weeks. A possible need for radiotherapy at the end (re-assured me I won't be disformed) and the fact that chemo is working. Yuppie. Moved to the ward, where they got me a bed in the middle (meaning not on the window, not on the corridor - the ones I prefer). Oh, no!!! But it seems they have managed to get me another bed, this time at the window later today. I am writting another post on my ward neighbours. You will understand why I don't like beds in the middle. Chemo restarts in about an hour. A short 15 minutes shot.

Change of skin

2009-12-06T11:50:00.000Z

?!
Before it was the hair falling like a dog changing its hair. Now the skin is breaking like a snake...changing skin. What's next? Everything falls apart and a new me emerges? Like a larva giving space to a butterfly?

Silence

2009-12-04T15:12:00.000Z

Being at home, just stuffing myself, reading and checking e-mails, leaves me not much to say. So shall remain silent till Monday when I go back to hospital and all starts again.

"Faux pas"

2009-12-02T23:03:00.001Z

When I moved apartments I wrote to my Portuguese bank informing them. They came back saying that they could only do the change in person at a branch (in Portugal) or over the phone! Slightly irritated I wrote them back saying something like: "Dear XX, I am currently in hospital, in London curing a cancer. It will be difficult to go to a branch in Portugal and I don't find beneficial for my chemo to spend my time queuing on the phone. Consequently, you have the info, so do with it what you want. If you need to find me, try and you may be lucky....". I was very proud of my answer. Today I get a message from my branch in Viatodos, saying all is fixed and wishing me all the best for my treatment. Nice...nice? STUPID, I was very stupid. I went saying to the bank that I have a cancer. Very smart move. Try now to get a health insurance or loan from them Miguel, try. Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!! In order to compensate for this, I am back home eating my food...no loss of appetite whatsoever. Went to hospital for another intrathecal. Went OK as usual, but feeling a bit tired now (10 hours after). The girl next door was less lucky, kept screaming as soon as she saw the needle. I guess they had difficulties finding her veins.

01/12/1640

2009-12-01T12:42:00.000Z

01/12/1640 The Portuguese finished with the Spanish rule (80 years that should be deleted from history). The traitors were killed and the Filipe's reign in Portugal finished. National holiday. I love my few Spanish friends, but I also love my country...independent, always. Long live Portugal, the oldest nation in Europe.

8

2009-12-01T10:43:00.000Z

For the first time, in three entire weeks, I managed to sleep 8 hours in full with no interruptions. Quite an achievement. I think I even had an headache. Then I rushed to Costa for a hot chocolate. A proof of my new freedom. But it was a bit chilly (just realized how hot it was in that room) so decided not to stay in the ground floor.
Fait divers: Doctor with a good eye (after the doctor with a good nose): one of the generic doctors comes to me and asks where did I get my robe from? Well I said 'It was G. that gave it to me. I think he has stolen it from some Portuguese hotel. Though G. will say it was given to him as he is a very exquisite guest". Then gave some shop tips to the doctor. I think I have made a friend. Lol.
Note: I initially wrote rope and not robe. Lol My English sometimes falls short or my brain goes too fast and mixes the letters.

Monday debriefing

2009-11-30T17:02:00.000Z

1 - Neutrophils crazily rock. From a 0, 0, 0, 0 daily level, they were at 0.3 yesterday and are today at 5. The doctor told me and I said, 'Do you mean 5 like in FIVE?" Yes and I can go home. Yuppie! It appears that with the daily injections they give to boost the neutrophil levels, once it goes up, it can go up really steep. I have been having these injections for a week. I might go from no immune system to a superman one. Then Prof B. came around and said that my kidneys need fluid so I need to stay overnight and be fed more liquids. More fluid? I have never drunk 3 litters of water a day like I am doing now. I am even afraid my body may reject a good glass of wine once I am out of here. But, thats's OK, I still go home tomorrow and only return on Monday for more chemo.
For your information a normal person has its neutrophils level between 2 and 10. Want to know more.? Check: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neutrophils
2 - Spine gets wild. As a side effect of the neutrophils injections I could have bone pain. Never had it until yesterday when started feeling the bottom of the spine going wild. Like if someone was forcinga needle and at each 2 seconds I felt a shock wave of little pain come out of there. Just little pain, but uncomfortable. Doctor stopped the injections. Maybe I had too much already.
3 - B. tells me to eat more and better. Friends are here for this. To give you good advice and strength. But eat more and better? In a hospital? That is like going to MacDonalds and asking them to prepare you something a bit different, chunkier potatoes and maybe a true steak instead of an hamburger. More and better will be at home, stuffing myself in my, as well as A.'s food.
4 - Doctor with a good nose. A new doctor (man) comes around during the weekend, does his thing, washes his hands and goes like "I can smell Jo Malone in the air". I look at the the doctor (woman), she looks at me and I say " Yes Jo Malone lime" (my perfume), and he goes 'lime, basil and mandarine". And the woman doctor "I am impressed by your nose". Lol, some doctors can smell more than diarrhea and vomiting after all, even catch a Jo Malone in the air. How refreshing.
5 - Heartbeat. My heartbeat is always above average in the morning at 9:00 than in the evening. Considering you should have slept during the night I wonder what is going on with my dreams/nightmares that is so demanding from my heart.

Setting the record straight

2009-11-29T10:43:00.000Z

Some of you, when reading the previous posts, might get the idea that treatment is a ride in the park. Believe me it is not. Not in the two last nights, at 2 am and 1 am, respectively, when I woke up with abdominal pain. Had to wait for the paracetamol to act, impossible to sleep, no body position in bed allowing to stop the pain and so on. The good news is that paracetamol is effective, you sleep a bit over it and in the morning the pain of some hours ago is already far away. Though it might come back. Like in the gym, with treatment, no pain no gain. Also, I have been loosing weight. My opinion is that it is concentrated on muscle since I don't gym for more than a month. I am eating OK, but I am in a hospital right? Did anyone ever get weight in a hospital? Any sinners can come upfront and tell us their experience?

THU FRI SAT Neutrophils 0

2009-11-28T19:55:00.000Z

Thursday 0
Friday 0
Saturday 0
Boring! This means my immune system is non existent. And they can't send me home for a rest out of hospital. All this despite a boost injection they give me every night on any fatty part of me! Is there any of that on me? Je...there is a bit in the belly. Need to work out more at the gym. Lol. Sorry, need to go is X-Factor time.

Bald is the new black

2009-11-27T10:50:00.000Z

After a shower where I thought I would have lost all my hair I looked at the mirror (and surprise surprise there was still loads of it) and I decided to take the matter in my hands. I shaved my head. Started with the sides. Looked Ok, bit mohican, but thought 'Miguel you are playing tricks, you need to go all the way', and I did. I am now bald. Not sure if I would make it a trend, but looks OK. Thank God I like myself, in any circumstances. Lol.

Be nice...but not too nice

2009-11-26T17:43:00.000Z

True story 1
I heard a violin at my door. Strange, since usually music is played in the hall of the hotel and when the last hour arrives it should be in the form of a white lady to welcome you to heaven, not a violin. Anyway, the nurse confirmed there was someone indeed playing in the ward. 5 minutes after they were literally at my door and I thought it would be nice to retribute with my presence. So I went to the door, smiled and applauded at the end. It was a Pakistani trio. Maybe Indian, I couldn't distinguish from the dressing and instruments. A nurse apologized, I said it was perfectly fine. And she turned to them, 'good, good, you can play 2 more". Heyyyy! 2 more at my door? Its cool but don't over do it.
True story 2
The cleaner, male (Indian, this time he said it himself. I didn't have to guess and miss it), decided to establish conversation for the first time. Wrong subject. "You are loosing hair" - yes I am loosing it, indeed it is everywhere! Next: "where are you from?". The rest was a bit a try and guess what was being said because I could not understand him to the point where he said something, I said something like "mhm mhm" and he looked at me for an answer. "Sorry, (I admitted) what did you say?". In between we both agreed we would love to visit our countries. Though I could not really be 100% sure if he already visited mine. At least he could establish the link Goa and Portugal. "Oh Goa, yes I need to go there as it used to be Portuguese" I said. I hope he didn't take too bad my property over that part of India. And then another pearl, he says "Portugal is very clean" (so he might have gone there after all!), more than England. England is very dirty!!! He must know what he is saying.
True story 3
I lost my head and decided to share a Pierre Marcolini chocolate (thanks P.) with one of the assistants. Again what a mistake. she is from Philippines and kept a strong Asian accent....we could not understand each other. We had an absurd, but short exchange. "You need to try these wonderful Belgian chocolates that a colleague got me from Brussels" I said. "Ah! nice friend post chocolates from Brazil, nice" She said. "Well not Brazil, he sent them from Brussels, Belgium" I said . " Nice, nice. (she looks at the package) Ah he courriered or posted? No post." She said. By then I was pretty lost. I have a box of PM chocolates , were they posted or delivered in hand? Who cares, they are so goooood!. Lol

Note: Going through this post I can think of some politically correct British minds thinking : OMG what a prejudice, racist bastard. Well lets face it we are all from different nationalities. The ones mentioned above are the real ones, but could be totally different and still make for the same story. And the simple fact is that we could not understand each other. In the benefit of the doubt about my pure intentions my Portuguese assistant here in the ward is also quite a character and her English is not great other. So I need to do a post on her.

Prof. B. is a funny guy

2009-11-26T17:21:00.001Z

And above is a top oncology expert. He insists, in a funny way, to tell everyone (literally 5 people and different each time he comes around) that I am a BANKER. Banker like in making millions, betting the poor lives of the common citizen and driving governments bankrupt. Today he even risked, "are you making a million?". I am afraid not, I said. Of course I didn't want to reveal that I am making more (lol). You never know if they decide to teach a lesson to the City via my chemo :-). But today he was inspired and not only decided to play with my magazine taste, he also gave a lesson to his students in front of me. How to cure my mouth. So he raised questions and even I tried to answer it. But then he lost me with the technicalities. It was less funny when he said that the guys to whom he gave these new products one turned blue and the other red. I pass thank you. I hope he was just having a go at me. Anyway, the best news, they might send me home over the weekend for a few days to rest from hospital. That is great I can finally stretch from my front door to the end of the living room instead of from my bed to the bathroon (within the same room). Oh....and gloves and napperons (blue) apply to everyone except professors and their team. Lol. They simply don't use it when they come together. The strength of the team must kill upfront the bacteria. Don't get me wrong, they are all fantastic.

Soul, stomach and intestine

2009-11-25T17:21:00.000Z

C. asked me how do I feel inside and I thought, well, soul or stomach and intestine? Soul is good. Stomach and intestine could go better. Lol. If you ever had a dog and recall what the house looks like when he starts loosing hair, that is exactly what is going on in my room. If a normal person has 100,000 hairs (though I guess I was already in the range 70,000) I must be now loosing 20,000 a day. It is quite a show. I am ok about it...so far. The neutrophiles insist in being extremely low. For as long as they are low I am confined to the isolation room. I can not stretch much. I can hear the coffee being made at Costa downstairs, but I can not go there, I can hear the music shows going on at lunchtime, but I can not watch them. Hopefully all will change in a matter of days. The hospital doesn't stop surprising me. Exhibitions, music shows. The singer today was particularly excited and noisy. And I am afraid the repertoire were Christmas songs. I hope they don't repeat it every single day or I will feel I am working at some Harrods.
Note: in case your busy lives (not to mention your kids) have kept you away from new movies, singers....these are a few items to watch:
Music
Florence and the Machine (British pop), Pixie Lott (more British pop), Paloma Faith (yes more very good British pop)
Movies
"A Single Man" by Tom Ford (yes the ex-Gucci, the man is a genius...if he was British he would be our hero, since everyone here is a hero).
TV
BBC - School of Saatchi. Big investor goes big brother style. 6 new artists are selected to produce art, one only will win and be sponsored by Saatchi (yes the one that used to be on advertising, got hyper rich, buys nonsense art - in my opinion- and makes millions. Good for him).

I am free again

2009-11-24T21:02:00.000Z

Meaning, just no drip full time. Ufffff! I can finally go to the loo alone and should not be disturbed as much by nurses to change the bottles of the drip. Neutrophills start picking up reallly slowly, white cells are on the up, allergy is still on, mouth still destroyed and it is a bit difficult to eat, hair started falling. But today the only thing that matters is that I am free from the drip. Rome was not made in a day. 1 step at a time.

My mouth is a war zone

2009-11-23T19:29:00.001Z

Not that I started swearing, but the chemo has attacked my gums (typical apparently). It looks like an Iraqi market in suicide attack day. Bearable, but not pleasant, especially that recovering from it takes some days. The drip is still working since the chemo decided not to leave me. According to the blood test results I am almost there but not exactly, so still have an extra day of drip prison. And got an alergy in the chest that can not be immediately associated to anything. Maybe the plasters covering the hickman line. Lunch and dinner today were divine...not!!! And forgetting the gums problem I choose each time food with tomato sauce. Very smart.
Note: for those of you that live in London or those who are coming, don't miss (I will) the exhibition of Anish Kapoor at the Royal Academy of Arts. I saw a documentary on BBC and it is massively impressive. The man took over the entire academy with huge sculptures, very colourful and amazing.

Quiet weekend

2009-11-22T11:56:00.000Z

The body is recovering well from chemo. Though the levels are still high in the blood, which means I am still stuck with the drip. After feeling a bit frustrated for my continuous lack of physical freedom, I think I just got used to it. S. visited and brought me a little Christmas decoration. The support of the drip starts looking like a Christmas tree. M. is also visiting. You should see them with the gloves and naperons supposed to protect me from external factors. Yes, because my immune system is currently at 0. Nothing to worry too much. I am still functioning but could be easily exposed to infections. Well, an alergy is already declared in the zone of the hickman line. Nothing major though. Appetite is coming back, though I must admit that I could only find the food really good in the beginning because of the ...steroids. Indeed, they gave me steroids and that is why I kept eating like if the world was ending. Now, I can say the food is pretty reasonable, but not better than mine, my mum's or my friends!!!! Antonio I miss your pasta. Steroids, paracetamol and anti-sickness all wonderful. I fear I might be addicted by the end of the treament which could mean an extra detox at some Betty Ford clinic. And the rest has been reading newspapers (did you ever realize how big - waste of paper - weekend newspapers are in this country?) and watching X-Factor. The wonders of hospital. And I still have how many months of this?

Another day. More of the same.

2009-11-20T16:50:00.000Z

Same old stuff. At least now I know what to expect. Chemo just follows its natural course. Tomorrow they should take me out the drip meaning that the levels of chemo in the blood are OK. This should make me feel a bit more free, though I am still confined to the isolation room to avoid infections. So, pretty blocked. And so warm, but at least there is a fen. The view from my room gives to an internal hospital hall, stairs, lifts, staff going up and down. And this huge decoration with giant colourful leaves and birds. Interesting. Sleeping it is still pretty much a vision due to the requirements of the medical procedures.

Time to pay

2009-11-19T17:12:00.000Z

After so many posts on how well things are going, how good food is, chemo decided to teach me a lesson. Now I know what is to be on the down side. There are ups and downs as they say, all depends on the person, nobody will escape a bit of chemo roughness, but I had apparently been lucky so far. So, if you are sensitive move on. Saving you the details. I couldn't sleep at all last night feeling like an indigestion. To start I thought too much food. Then stomach just hurted too much. Nausea followed. Should I try to vomit or not? The nurse said I better not and gave me a little pot of beautiful but very untasty pink liquid to calm the stomach. 1, 2, 3 and vomit. InstantaneousIy. It seems that was not the result expected, but oh my god, what a relief. Bit more pain, but could try to sleep at last. Since I didn't really sleep, the next hours were a mix of tiredeness, headache, stomach pain and nausea. So, back to antisickness. For the first time I had to have lunch really slowly like if each portion would be expelled straight away. Then spent the next two hours starring at the drip till I got to 14:35, the 24 hour chemo was stopped. Again, what a massive relief. Next week there is more, but that is next week. In relation to last night the good news is that memory is short, so we say in Portugal. I am now ok and that is what counts. Lesson 1: always expect the unexpected and always ask for support to deal with it. When the nurse told me the indigestion feeling was part of the chemo, I thought wait a second this was not part of the script. Nausea and vomiting yes, but not indigeston. Lesson 2: forget fast and just recall what may be needed in future, like the antisickness.

In a liquid state

2009-11-18T18:56:00.000Z

And I am not talking about going to a pub. I am literally in that part of the universe creation where some little creature moved from water to the soil and gave place to something human. My inner body is a tsunami in the making. In the silence of the night I can feel the chemo moving through the hickman line making its way through the jugular, all blood system and running through my stomach, intestine and with an incredible precision wakes me up at 02:20, 04:20 and 06:22 to go to the loo. Pee, drink, drip pee, drink, drip, pee, drink, drip, pee, drink, drip. I could make a job out of this. In between I volunteer to measure what I drink, at least keeps me busy. A British breakfast, full options, keeps me going through another now massive dose of chemo that will run for 24 hours. Sleepy I make it through the preparatory mixures they give me of washers and paracetamol. All very patiently executed. You should see the art of a nurse moving from a needle to another, injecting, cleaning. At 14:35 the famous methroxatane (I am sure this is wrongly spelled) goes down the veins. Bit nasty one apparently as gets mouth soar and eventually with ulcers. No signs yet, but still have 19:29 hours to go! Mouthwashers should help. And it is confirmed, cell count is pretty low, as expected. Extra care needed with food (nothing uncooked, extra care with anything prepared at home), get a toilette just for me, can't walk in all parts of ward and they will prepare an isolated room. No sick visitors as of now until I recover in a few days. Oh almost forgot the trainee doctor visit. At a point I felt asking him to sit and I would take the driving sit of the consultation. Half way the assessment (!?) the guy says 'oh, so you know you have cancer'?. And I am like mate 2+2=4, nope? I had told him I have a lymphoma and I am doing chemo from the beginning of the conversation and he was still figuring out how to bring me to the conclusion that I have a cancer? Hellllooooo!!!!! And finally if you never tried potassium, try. It is very blase. I have to put up my levels of potassium and the nurse starts explaining that tastes a bit bad, but I should be ok. Well I took it as if it was coke. I mean coca cola. I don't know what they are doing to me, but anything goes really, anything. At this rate bring me anchovies...in powder. Lol

Under the leash

2009-11-17T21:37:00.001Z

Like a little dog (or even a big one) leashed to his doghouse, I am finally stuck with a drip for 4/5 days. Leashed to a machine that follows me everywhere. We look like a pair of dancers. Should maybe try strictly come dancing. The liquid flows at a good rythmn. Requirement to balance the kidneys before a new round of 24 hours of chemo starting tomorrow. I have to account for all I drink and no need to mention that I have now tried all loos available, several rounds. The night seems promising. The afternoon break for cakes, tea and sandwiches (oh good all British traditions perpetuated here by the MacMillan volunteers) is a blessing. If If I did not get a few pounds by now than I will never get it, ever in my life.
Note: Internet is back. So welcome it was that even my heartbeat improved.

Monday 16 more of the same

2009-11-17T09:27:00.000Z

Just ten minutes chemo.No web access. Grrr!!! Eat, walk, read, write and had an haircut. Better prepare the possible loss by avoiding going on a dramatic ride from hairy cave man to the army style. Visit by S.and her wonderful cake. Doctors and more doctors, all smiles, all good.Nurses excited with all the mail I get. Bit of a stomach rough nite, not great to mix greek salad with mixed side leaf salad. Green overdose.

No food complains

2009-11-16T09:07:00.001Z

For the ones that know me, it does not come as surprise that I can be a bit fussy about food. Not fussy, for being fussy, but a bit of Portuguese fussy. If you know what I mean. Fish would need to be typical from Portuguese markets, so no saumon. No lamb, no uncooked stuff and so on. So, to be in a hospital ward...in London and have no complains about food is quite remarkeable. I need to pay my visit to the chef one of these days. Let me give you a flavour of my choice and yes I do have a choice. Breakfast started with scrambled eggs and toasts. Lunch there is a choice of potato & leek soup, potatoe salad or plaice goujons (need some help from google here). Then beef casserole, grilled fillet of plaice, braised pork chops with apples or mushroom stroganoff. Served with lemon rice, roast potatoe, seasonal vegetables or mixed leaf side salad. And to finish fresh fruit salad, carrot cake, savoury cheese & water biscuits (no savoury cheese for the Portuguese man here ever), flavoured jelly or icecream. Not tired? Ready for dinner choices? Chicken soup with bread roll, greek salad or cheese & coleslaw salad. Sheperds pie, seafood risotto, roast chicken sage jus or vegetable korma. Served with savoury/plain rice, saute potatoe, seasonal vegetables or mixed leaf side salad. And for desert fresh fruit salad, apple crumble with cream or custard, the cheese, jelly or icecream. Uffff!! And, not only there is choice, but all is indeed savoury and with pepper and salt. Not the typical untasty hospital food. To complete, staff (nurses, team leaders) are all apologetic if something goes wrong. I heard already this morning J. the team leader apologize to a patient, not less than three times, because the chef stopped doing something for breakfast. But again, it seems that all this treatment is really for lymphoma alikes sufferers. Not all wards are this well equipped. Thank you lymphoma for your pleasantries. Final word, I hope "LEAN" never gets into this ward or poor patients risk to end up with a streamlined food production, proposing then chicken or fish, no pepper, no salt. lol

Note: web quit on me on my computer. I am almost silenced.

Weekend at home in family

2009-11-15T16:35:00.001Z

Like a true Pacha. Me sitting in the sofa and please pass me the water, please get me this, now please get me that. And mum and sister cooking, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, ironing. Despite my atempts to save some cleaning for the cleaning lady that comes over next week. She will have a good life that one. Saturday dinner...bacalhau. Oh! the wonders of Portuguese codfish, boiled vegetables and potatoes. Nothing simpler, nothing more tasteful, dressed with a wonderful...Portuguese olive oil. Only problem mum decided to cook at 17:30...by 18:30 we were ready for dinner, after lunch at 14:30. The hospital can't beat this rythmn. But my appetite is unbeatable, so far. And to complete the weekend, G. went to pick up my "Expresso" (newspaper) at Lisboa. Now packing, not more not less than if I was going for a long weekend abroad, to return to hospital, for a rougher week. No clue on when I will get back home in the coming weeks, it will depend on the immune system and possible infections. I love my new apartment, pretty cosy. I shall miss my photo collection.

WW/SS collection 2010

2009-11-13T12:47:00.000Z

White leggings are on the up. Today I was entitled to these socks that come up to your shoulders (nope, they stop close to your buttocks), but they keep on falling. I just miss a little accessorie like a bride to give that finish touch. Still under the influence of watching La Reine Margot yesterday I told the nurse and doctor that I looked like an old count. It seems, from their surprised faces, that the accent turn to be like and old cunt. Ops!!! That recalls me the other day when I met a client in the street that never saw me with beard and I started telling her a discussion on the phone with a friend where my accent took me from bear to bird to beard. The woman probably thought I was loosing it. Mum and sister arrived with my request of Portuguese codfish. Yummie!! Staff forgot my lunch which gave rise to my first burst, but then I thought behave, after all you will stay here long. Beefy curry. Not bad. Another 15 minutes of chemo, another intrathecal (still easy) and three hours waiting for medication so that I could leave hospital. At least staff compensate with smiles. And now I am resting in my bed at home. Home. My sheets, my pillows.

Try and stick a fork up your chest and neck!

2009-11-12T22:42:00.000Z

Warning: English and Americans should read this as a joke, don't do this at home.

Today was time to introduce a hickman line (check the link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hickman_line*) in my chest up to my neck. This line is helpful as it allows to take blood and inject chemo without using multipe places/veins. Bit nervous, but again the staff is very nice, chatty. There were a few of them, anesthetic and off you go. Simple procedure, 15 minutes. You just feel slightly the doctor pushing the little tube up your main vein up to the neck. It is a bit a sensation like you stick a fork up your chest and neck. Nope. Don't try this one at home. It could go wrong. This was done straight after lunch and I thought can you do this with my stomach full? Clearly they can. Quick and easy. But after...you feel it a bit when drinking, eating, and laughing, so I have been trying to remain serious. They say the feeling will go away but just in case get me those painkillers nurse. After it was time for another 15 minutes drip. Oh and they shaved me for the line. Good laugh with the nurse shaving me and asking if I wanted more. No darling, chemo will take care of the rest. Ops, but when asked how long it would take to get hair back, she said maybe 6 to 12 months. What? I am naked without my hair. Where does my latino look goes? No more open shirts? Lol. I hope she is wrong.

*wait a second...my doctor didn't tell me that one of the possible secondary effects is thrombosis. I need to re-check what I have signed for. I don't sign for thrombosis, oh no I don't

Non eventful day

2009-11-11T20:29:00.000Z

Very quiet. Just 15 minutes of chemo. Reading and eating. But the times of food kill me. 6pm? I almost didn't digest lunch. And then started exploring the hospital to stretch the legs. In going in and out of the ward I had an encounter with three little plastic bags with white powder! Cocaine? Maybe I should have taken it and started a business out of my hospital bed. Lol. N. kept me company and I had the visit of K. that combined with the visit of the nurse that is from Gambia gave space to a discussion on progress of Africa, African political dynasties and the like. Who would have thought that hospital could be this interesting?

How could I forget today's luxuries

2009-11-10T20:08:00.001Z

Yes, today I started getting a taste of good life at hospital. In the morning I had volunteers offering books from the library and another one offering to go shopping (supermarket, I would not trust them any other kind of shopping). Then cakes, sandwiches and tea and coffee. And top of the tops a reflexology massage. Put myself immediately down in the list of the ones that enjoy these luxuries, so that I will get a daily visit. Only problem the woman did speak more than I. How is that possible. And kept talking about of the oils she was using...the most expensive in the industry. Is that a message? I only enjoy freebbies. And, wait for this one, despite all the tubes they stick to me (well there are only two) I managed to have a shower. Did you ever stop in the middle of a shower to enjoy the simple act of a shower? The joys of feeling water running through my body, isn't this wonderful? It happened a similar thing some days ago when I was alone in my apartment looking through the window to the tree in front at the sunset. I found myself staring at a tree that has been there for three years and that has always been pretty irrelevant. How beautiful: sun, a tree, leaves. My message his, stop once in a while and LIVE something around you.